67

degrees that is. Cloudy, no humidity. Life is good today.

Yesterday was our planned run. Of course it has not rained in god knows how long and yesterday it decided to rain and pop up some small tornado's here and there. We are going to try to run tonight, but it still looks rainy out there right now. Running partner #1 wants to run and doesn't want to run. I know exactly how she is feeling. I want to get back into it, but know I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I just want it to be effortless. I want 3 miles to feel like a short run. I don't want to struggle. 3 miles will feel like a long run and it will be a struggle (especially if I'm pushing my toddler) Losing 20+ was a struggle, running my first 5k, and training for a half marathon was a struggle also. I should be used to this. I need to get my mind set. On my first run in such a long time it's going to be more of a mind game then a body game.

Onto other stuff: The meds are making life much easier. I wish I could explain it, but I really can't. I'm not stoned (though on day 3 I definately felt like I was) i'm just calmer. The insomnia seems to be gone too. Thank goodness.

My husband is going to get into running again. Though not with me. He only runs alone. That's fine, b/c he would probably kick my ass (even though he hasn't run in years) Our friend is running the Marine Corp Marathon. I told hubby I wanted to go down there and watch the beginning of the race. I think the kids would get a kick out of it. Since he's already run the race that would be even better. I might have to look into planning this. My kids have never seen the capitol. Though at this age they might either be bored to death or think it's the coolest thing ever. You never know with them.

Well that's it. Hope to blogging about my run soon.

What I did on my summer blogging vacation

1. Got the cold from hell. It has taken almost 2 weeks for it to clear up. Think it could of been the flu.
2. I've come to the conclusion that they changed the Nyquil ingrediants.
3. My daughter got her ears pierced.
4. My "baby" is talking more. Speech therapy rocks.
5. My second child is really too picky about his clothes.
6. Swim team for my daughter is way to expensive in my mind. ($1,050 for 9 months)
7. I'm not sure daughter will be doing winter swimming.
8. My husband really is great (in 2 weeks he might suck though)
9. A lot of the neighborhood ladies are on xanax.
10. I took off 2 weeks from cardio because of #1.
11. I lost 3lbs
12. I colored my colored light brown hair back to it's natural dark brown. It took 4 days, but I like me new/old doo.
13. After hearing #9 I made an appointment to see my primary.
14. My primary (after many questions) came to the conclusion that I suffer from depression.

Well I was a little bit shocked. All I wanted was some xanax to take every once in awhile. Instead i'm on a 1 pill regiment. (ssri's) My old thoughts on depression were: give me a break, we don't have it bad, look at the people in Iraq, the Sudan, military personel and their wives, people who have lost loved ones, post partum depression .... now those people need meds. Not normal people like me. I'm not a big fan of pharmacutical companies either. But the more I think back to when I was young my mother acted a lot like I do now. Short temper, sometimes crazyish and tired a lot. (she was great though). I've only been on the med's 4 days and I'm feeling much better. I don't think this is the cure all end all. It's something I need to work on and this is a stepping stone to help me. I hope to gradually get off the meds. Some of the stories I've read on the internet about them have freaked me out a bit. It seems everyone on these meds beat their wives, have suicidal thoughts and they all put on 25+lbs in a short period of time. Geesh.

My running partner #1 knows all about it. (right now only 2 people do) We are starting our running program up next week. I'm looking forward to it. I think some of what is happening started with my thyroid (which has been corrected) and the sudden drop of extreme exercising. That wouldn't affect some people, but I think it did me. Or maybe it's the summer weather. I hate it and am quite tired of the humidity.

Well that sums up August. School starts soon. This alone will make life easier. That is until I have to write Haiku's (I think I hate poetry about as much as I hate summer)and make those little shoebox thingys for my second grader.

Read this

I just finished reading this book. It is a fantastic book. If you liked "Angela's Ashes" this is the American version. You'll hit every emotion. Laugh, cry, angry and happy. I really enjoyed it.

I'm having trouble sleeping anymore. I can fall asleep in an instant in front of the TV, but once I drag my butt to bed I'm wide awake. It's making me quite miserable. I tried taking Ambien, which makes me fall asleep pretty easily, but then I wake up between 3:28 and 4:25 am. That sucks. Oh, sure I could get up and go run. That does sound like a plan, but I don't feel like it. Maybe that's the Ambien still in my system or I'm just terrified of tripping over a cat and breaking my knee.

My weight seems to be holding (though the mind is not) I'm still walking and running. The days are definately getting shorter which is exciting because school and fall are around the corner. Which in turns means Halloween and blue jeans. Maybe that explains my miserable attitude. It's all about the weather. I hate summer. I could never live in Florida, Texas or anywhere in between. I live for fall, like winter (who doesn't like sledding) and spring rocks when winter has gone on too long. Summer just depresses me for some reason. I really feel like I start to lose it by August. I googled (love google) and I am not alone.

She also is careful about staying inside, a frustrating challenge, she says, because she considers herself an outdoors person. She first suspected a seasonal link to her depression in her 30's and became more attuned to it after she learned that she had a bipolar disorder around age 40. She said that she thought that it was the light more than the heat that affected her and that she felt frantic and depressed as spring ended.
''I actually feel kind of attacked by the sun,'' the designer said. ''I feel like it's piercing into me, and I start to feel more and more desperate to escape it. I have a hard time organizing and managing daily life. By August, I'm barely able to function and don't really recover until autumn.
''October is reliably a good month. I'm waking up, and I feel like I'm being released from my summer, what I would call, jail cell.'' (completlely understand what she is saying)

The cause may differ, as well. Seasonal depression in the winter seems linked to increases in the production of melatonin, a chemical that helps set the brain's daily rhythm, set off by the decrease in light.
But ''the seasonal trigger for the summer depression is less clear-cut,'' said Dr. Norman E. Rosenthal, a Washington psychiatrist and the author of ''Winter Blues.'' ''Conventionally, the thought has been that they are more sensitive to the heat. The question of whether it's too much heat or too much light has yet to be resolved.'' (I think it's the light. I know the sun is my migraine trigger, but I can NOT stand any sort of sunlight hitting my eyes. I always have a hat on in the sun...I actually put a Jim Beam Hat on the other day so I could walk to my neighbors house....yes that is the hat, Jim Beam and Nascar to boot, ugh)

This quote sums it up (w/ the exception of the reading) Anyone else feel this way?

My creative powers have been reduced to a restless indolence. I cannot be idle, yet I cannot seem to do anything either. I have no imagination, no more feeling for nature, and reading has become repugnant to me. When we are robbed of ourselves, we are robbed of everything!"Goethe

two for two (kinda)

My neighbor couldn't walk with me last night so I put the "baby" in the stroller and the other two got on their bikes and we went for a run/bike. I decided to do a stroller hill run. First 18 seconds my oldest son fell off his bike. Greaaaat. I ran for 18.33 minutes on some impressive hills, but had to quit b/c of the complaining from my two oldest kids. Things like "wait up" "mom!!!!!" "I hate hills", "I can't do hills" and a few more hundred "wait up!!!!!!!" My IPOD shut off as did I. I told both kids that "yes you can do it, and everytime you do it you get better, and I couldn't run 13.2 miles this time last year, but did I give up and complain (yes on the latter) NO I kept running and everyday I got better and I didn't quit, blah, blah, blah." By the end of my speech their eyes glazed over and they flew away on their bikes.

My legs are hurting a bit this morning. My shins are sore (from lack of stretching after my runs) Not sure when the next running session will be, but I hope to be out there by Wednesday.

Got the courage up and went on the scale. Not to bad. 147-148. I swore I was going to be 152 or more. This is weird b/c I have eaten so much crap in the past .....who knows how long. I guess I balance it all out with healthy breakfasts, lunches, an apple everyday and all those walks. Well if I want my running to improve I need to improve the diet, water intake and loose some weight. I watched Celebrity Fit Club 4 last night on VH1. Erika Elaniak (sp) is on. She was the babe on baywatch, cover of Playboy etc. Well she gets on the scale and I'm thinking 188. She weighed 152. My neighbors were like "umpf, she need to drop some pounds" She is the same height as me! I almost wanted to say I weigh about that much. (at the time I thought I weighed the same so I kept my mouth shut) Our weight looks completely different on our bodies. Mine is more muscle and her's is more fat. I'm still bummed that my neighbors thought 152 was so bad and so high. I'm just used to having that weight. I would really like to weigh just my breasts. Maybe that is why small breasted women don't weigh so much. Can those things be that heavy? My friend had her's downsized and they only took out a 1.5 lbs out of each breast and they were so much smaller. I think if I took 1.5lbs out of each I would be a A cup. I think it's all in my gut and that I can hide and if I got rid of that (15lbs via liposuction) I would be so much healthier and tiny. It'll never happen.

Bleck

1. 9.18 (-13)
2. 8.50 (0)
3. 10.23 (+23) two 30 sec walks in mile 3

I'm out of shape. On the start of my run I fell right into stride. I hit my 1st mark at 1:38. (during 1/2 marathon training I usually hit it around 1:47) I hit my second mark at 3:13 which is on schedule. After that everything was a struggle. The humidity is still killing me. It's not that hot here, but after I was finished sweat was pouring out of my body. My diet has sucked this past week b/c of pms. I need to get that in check b/c garbage in equals garbage runs. I shouldn't be struggling this much. I haven't hit the scale b/c of pms bloat and increase of salt intake (potato chips, cookies....you name it) My fuel for the run ( dinner) was baked beans and a hot dog. Very discusting dinner. I'm to lazy (or hate it to much) to go to the grocery store and I've been in a pms funk. I'm hitting the store today to get some lean meats, salads and whole wheat products to get me feeling better.

I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night. What a stupid movie. I don't care to much for either actor (though I like Pitt in the Oceans 1 movie, Oceans 2 was very bad) Reading lots of great books too. I have just discovered Lisa Gardner. She is a fantastic writer and it's hard to figure out who did it, until she lets you in on the secret. Another good book for the ladies is "Not Tonight Honey, Wait Until I'm a Size 6" I gave it to someone else to read and can't remember the author, but crack me up. It's great for mom's who have kid's, husband and aren't the perfect woman. (me!)