On the sly

When one has no money to spend one must find other things to occupy their time. Things like getting rid of shit. Accumulated shit. I decided to takle Christmas Crap today. We have so much Christmas Crap it isn't even funny. I was down in our basement for 15 minutes and have tossed the following:

Their arms are broken off. They are creepy

Their heads fall off every year. Notice the toothpicks!

To throw things away in our home you have to do it on the sly. For example this dog.
I think someone won it at a fair. Our dog has attacked it. It's has dried slobber all over it. No one cares about it and it was never a favorite of our children. I've tried to throw it away (put it in the garbage cans in the bedrooms) for 3 weeks now. My father always empties those before I get around to it. Every week I find it on the floor next to the garbage can. Today I put it in a bag and threw it away in the actual garbage can outside. We will not be safe until the garbage men take the can away in their truck. My father is known to go through our trash. He has gotton very angry at my husband for throwing away old paint cans with 1 cup of paint in them. He likes to leave his mail and important papers over here and then yell at us for throwing them away.

Which brings me back to the Christmas Crap. I hate this shit. It usually breaks in a year or two. Which is good reason to throw it way. Nope. It can be fixed. Fixed with glue, wood putty (his favorite) or tape.

He buys things like this:

The Wonderland Bear Band. Notice the instrument is broken. It is supposed to be a trumpet not a horn. It cannot be fixed. Trust me on that one.

The big ass snow globe that doesn't have snow. Notice how some of the pieces are "loose". Yeah, real nice. Now I bet I can take that cover off and fix it, but why?

The above two items only fit on the floor or the fireplace hearth. They are really pointless. The big question is .....Can I throw them away (or donate) without my father knowing or getting angry. He means well, I get that. I don't see a reason to keep something if I don't like it and it gets in the way of the vacuum. The kids don't play with the above. Strangely they still play with the fisher price nativity people. There is joy in that. Even I play with it.

Maybe my father forgot about the Wonderland Bear Band. Who am I kidding? He has the mind of an 8 year old. He remembers everything. Except to take his mail and important papers home.

Letters to the family

Joe,

This is NOT a laundry basket.

It is a chair. The laundry basket is in the closet. I've seen you use it before. But look.....

there is a laundry basket waiting to go downstairs! Fancy that. Oh, and that basket under the window...how hard would it be to throw your shoes in there? By the way is it really necessary to have 3 pairs of hiking boots?

Brandy,


yes, you. Why are you eating socks again? Isn't that a little puppyish? I know, I know, why are the kids leaving their socks all over the place for you to eat them? If I told them once I've told them a thousand times...blah, blah, blah. Please stop eating socks, for me. Ok?

Kids,

See the picture above? In the upper left hand corner you can see parts of the Sorry game. Why is it out? You know I'm going to throw it away, don't you? I've been ignorning it for a week now. I guess your father has also. I'm not sure why Brandy hasn't eaten the portions of the Sorry game. Maybe she has. Maybe YOUR socks have made her not not hungry for little plastic things and cardboard this week. I have a feeling she may have eaten the yellow person thing-a-ma-jig though. The blue and green thing-a-ma-jigs are in the boys room. Why is that? Really, why?

Love,

your wife, the lady who tells you that you stink and gives you baths and treats, and your mom.

answered

This is why there are no pictures of me with the kids.

letters to the family

Dad,

There is this thing called a plate. You put your toast on it, THEN cut it and eat off THE plate. Also, I really don't care about Bank of America dividends.

Tommy and David,

We have had this conversation 1,000th's of times. You don't wear jeans ONCE and then expect me to wash them. You wear your jeans 20x THEN I wash them. Be a little more like your mom. It really pissed me off when I came in your room and saw this...........

You do realize that laundry basket was empty on SUNDAY! I'm going to start charging each of you 25 cents when I find unworthy jeans in the laundry basket.

Julia,

You tell your teacher YOU forgot your homework because your house is messy. Listen sister, you have papers strewn throughout the house. In the living room, kitchen, dining room and den. I've already recycled your homework once please learn your lesson and keep everything in one place. Also I'm sick of those little, strange, big headed girls you draw. Why must each one be cut into a little square. I threw them out. Whoops.

Felix,

You are a cat. Not a dog.



Joe,

The dryer IS NOT YOUR CLOTHES drawer. You do realize that it would be easier on you to put dry clothes in your bedroom rather then coming downstairs to get clean clothes. Oh and please clean out the cars. Example, when you take the dog on training runs in the creek, remove all the camoflauge thing-a-ma-jigs out of my car. There is a seat cushin and big-ass waders in there. My car smells like wet feet, wet dog and I think ass.