emails

To my husband:

The GE repairman came by today. You know those pieces you didn't put back in the dishwashwer? Yeah, they were pretty important. He put them back in and the dishwasher works. All is well.

To Tommy's friend's moms:

I need to check with Tommy's two favorite friends. Are you guys going to be around Sunday? I'd like to have his birthday party that day. I know he's told your sons that it's going to be Laser tag, but I'm going to make him cry when he gets home and tell him the place blew up or something along those lines. It will either be the movies or the skate park.

To my friend:

Or shall I say "how it IS going to go!" Your dad will get a pod. We will move your stuff into the pod. You will move into our home. J___ and I have talked about this too many times to count and we want you here and not there. It is not an inconvience. For you, yes, for us NO. You can watch House with me. How fun is that? H______ can learn that she doesn't want brothers or sisters also. They are a pain in the ass. Tommy can teach her the miserable life of the middle child from his point of view. Julia can teach her how miserable brothers are. David will just suck his thumb and whine. It's a perfect life lesson.

{snipped short because this is the details and me telling her how this isn't normal}

Where is the fucking logic in that? As adults we accept responsibility for our actions. We learn from mistakes. We are adults.

______ can't hurt us in anyway. He'd would be an ass trying to start something down here. Brandy would tear him to pieces. Do you reallly think he would mess with J____. That's another thing I would never do. J_____ would kick his fucking ass.

Some letters

I sent this one:

Dear ___________,

David has come home the past two days claiming Tripp has hit him. I've told him to go to you or another adult when it happens. It seems to happen at recess. If Tripp continues to hit David I feel David has a right to defend himself .


I wish I could send this one:

Dear Mary,

I know you made a mistake and had Tommy over for a playdate instead of some kid named Tomas. My son knows your son and they play kickball together. I think your little shit-head of a kid has some serious issues. To throw a hissy fit in front of me, tommy and you whinning the entire time "I wanted Tomas not him" and then to storm off into the house whining that same mantra the entire time is uncalled for. Honestly, Mary I have never seen anything like that. I don't even get you. Were you drunk, or are you hopped up on prescription drugs? It was one or the other. All the time you stood there with me and watched the spectacle we call your son. You just said "he sure is mad" "wow, he's really upset" "did he just walk into the house and leave?" "tommy do you want to go inside?" Lady, are you nuts? I'm not sending my kid into your house with that freak of a boy. I expect a written apology from your son today. FYI the rest of your life with that kid is going to suck.

Have a nice life.

From the mom whose kids would never pull that kind of shit.

Emails

I'm gong to start posting emails that I send to friends and family. They seem to crack those people up. (e.g. I sent one to my husband once and he forwarded it to everyone at work. I didn't think is was THAT funny. I would of made it more hysterical if I knew I had an audience. This isn't that funny either, but my friend cracked up over it. ________________________________________
Dear K,
I meant to tell you something this morning. I know you are perturbed (tr.v. per•turbed, per•turb•ing, per•turbs
1. To disturb greatly; make uneasy or anxious.
2. To throw into great confusion.
3. Physics & Astronomy To cause perturbation, as of a celestial orbit.

[Middle English perturben, from Old French perturber, from Latin perturb re : per-, per- + turb re, to throw into disorder (from turba, confusion, perhaps from Greek turb ).]
about my half n half consumpution along with my love of mayonaise. I have cut my coffee consumption by over 70%. I've been drinking tons of tea lately. No dairy!! Now since I'm sick I put some honey in it. Yes, yes, lots of calories, but it is still good for the body (b vitamins) Regarding the mayonaise. I can't eat an egg-salad sandwich without it. I eat the former about 2x a week. Dry egg on bread gives you yellow teeth also. I take too many pills to add your vitamins more to the mix. (even though I think I take less than you on a normal basis) Maybe I've been sick so long is because I don't take vitamins.

I hope this helps with your perturbitude.

My stomach muscles are killing me too. I felt like an idiot on that ball today. I had to prove I wasn't a total dork to myself so I ran sprints on the treadmill. Wherein I hacked up a lung. I cleaned it up according to YMCA standards.

m